Two years ago, I was just about 8 weeks into my first pregnancy. The hubs and I were getting ready to head out for the day, and I began spotting. One horrible week later, I had confirmation of my worst nightmare. I was going through a miscarriage.
Two years ago, I cried and cried and cried. I cried for the little baby that never got a chance. I cried for not being able to carry that baby to full term. I cried in fear at the possibility of never having a child, of never being a mother. It was the worst experience of my life.
Now, in a way, I’m even sadder. Now I know what I missed out on that first time around. How amazing pregnancy is. Giving life to a child and watching that tiny baby grow into a little boy. His first smile, first laugh, first everything. Those baby hugs and wet baby kisses. Being the only one that can make it all better when he doesn’t feel well.
Now, I know what a colossal failure of a mommy I was that first time around – such a failure that I couldn’t even keep my child alive. That I cheated my Little Peanut out of every opportunity this world has to offer.
I hate that I wasn’t able to truly enjoy this past pregnancy (or any future pregnancy) until it was ‘safe’ to do so. That first time, I felt like a mommy the second the test turned positive. I held my breath and was cautiously happy. The second time, I was numb to any bonding of any sort for way too long. I was happy to have hideous morning sickness because it meant the baby was thriving, and got scared on days that I woke up feeling almost okay. It wasn’t until I could consistently feel the baby, about halfway through the pregnancy that I started to breathe a little easier.
I still wish I had answers. Why did this happen? Was my karma that bad that I deserved this? What happened to the baby? Will it happen again? All that “it’s just nature” crap didn’t help at any point.
Someday, I’ll find the answers. And someday, I’ll get to meet my Little Peanut and tell him how sorry I am that I couldn’t be the mommy he needed me to be. Little Peanut, wherever you are, mommy loves you.