:: at a secret Toddler General Assembly clubhouse::
Psst…hey you, come here. Yeah, you, the kid that ate my crayon yesterday. Yeah…you’re lucky I’m just visiting this chapter clubhouse, because you’d be paying for that right now. But that doesn’t matter. I got some big news. BIG. Get the others, and meet me by the sensory table.
::at the sensory table::
Alright, now that we are all here, I got some big news. I know where we can get unlimited animal crackers. Remember how I told y’all that I was going on something called a trip on something called an airplane? Yeah…this is where I found the treasure.
Yesterday, Mama woke me up and got me ready to go to school, but we kept driving and driving until we got somewhere new that was loud and noisy, but there was lots of cool stuff going on, so it was kind of fun. We stopped at a counter and mommy asked some nice ladies that were all wearing the same ugly clothes about tips for traveling with me, and they said “Don’t do it.” I thought they were talking about leaving me at this weird place, so I gave them the stink eye and wouldn’t smile for them. We then had to stand in some lines and stuff, and then we were on these weird chairs all smooshed together. I got to sit on mama’s lap. 😀
There was another one of us sitting nearby, so of course I had to send a greeting, in accordance to the Toddler Pact. As soon as I saw her, I started yelping hello. Soon, she responded, even though she had been sitting quietly with her mom and dad. We had a nice conversation across the airplane. She’s a good kid. You wouldn’t believe the stuff she told me. I got bored with her, so I stopped talking, but she kept going almost the entire flight.
Of course, I had other Toddler Pact duties. I messed with the little tray table and the shade on the window and the magazines until I heard the old man in front of me say “Here we go. This is going to be fun.” I didn’t know where we were going, but I was hoping our idea of fun would be the same. Something tells me that he didn’t mean it.
After that, the plane began to move, and Dada started giving me animal crackers. This is it, y’all: the BIG news. When you are on the plane, all you have to do is squeal, and animal crackers just appear. Seriously. There were more of those suckers than I even knew existed. Even if I knew how, I couldn’t have counted them. Frosted, too. I’d never seen that kind. So now you know where to find them. I had so many that my belly got full.
After the airplane was up in the air and we weren’t all tilted and wonky, I fell asleep the whole entire flight. I was on Mama’s lap, all cuddled up and snug as a bug. I was covered in cookie crumbs, but it didn’t bother me. Did you know that sleeping with cookie crumbs all over makes your dreams sweeter? Mama has never let that happen, but once I can talk, she and I are going to have to discuss cookies before bedtime. It wasn’t until that stupid pilot guy jerked the plane at the gate that I woke up. Mama kept kissing my and rubbing my cheek the entire time, which was kind of annoying but nice at the same time.
I know, I know. I broke the Toddler Pact. I know that I was supposed to scream and squirm the entire way. I know I was supposed to try to set the record for stink eyes given to my parents. I know I was supposed to be so rotten I’d make my mama cry. But I just couldn’t.
But stay tuned. I still have another airplane ride to get back home. I plan to make up for being such a good baby on the first flight. I’m thinking about a giant, epic POOPSLOSION, the likes of which you haven’t seen yet. And of course, the mother of all tantrums. You think I can handle a two-hour tantrum? I’m also going to tear every magazine and book within reach, and drop cheerios on the heads of the people in front of me. Oh, and I can’t forget about the projectile vomiting.
What else should I do? While you’re thinking of answers, let’s recite the Toddler Pact:
As a card-carrying Toddler, I promise to:
explore everything within my line of sight,
especially if it means breaking stuff
giggle whenever the mood strikes
drive the old people to the brink of insanity,
and then shower them with kisses
always spread love, hugs and snot
So is my solemn pledge to the Toddler General Assemby.